Manta Rays: Cum Dumpsters of the Deep
The manta ray glides effortlessly through the deep blue emptiness of the planet’s oceans, it’s wing shaped body and smooth, unblemished skin perfectly sculpted to cut through the dense salty water with minimal drag. From appearances alone, the manta ray is one of the most graceful and beautiful of all marine animals, but when morals are factored in, the manta ray becomes a much uglier animal indeed. Like a pretty girl with low self esteem, the manta ray seems blind to its own graceful attributes and mistakenly seeks affirmation through sexual promiscuity. As a result, the manta ray has rightly earned its unfortunate nickname: cum dumpster of the deep.
But how did this come to be? How did a creature so full of grace come to be viewed as the marine world’s version of a Florida State co-ed? The answer can be found in the manta ray’s eating habits. Mantas are skimmer eaters that have a particular taste for fish eggs. As they swim through clouds of floating eggs, they pass water through their open mouths and filter out the eggs and other nutrient-rich detritus. The problem with this strategy is that where there are fish eggs, there is also fish milt. Milt, or fish sperm, is an ever present accompaniment to eggs. Unlike mammals, fish fertilize eggs outside of the female’s body. A female fish will excrete thousands of eggs into the water. Males will then swarm the egg cluster and deposit puffs of milt into it. In a large school of fish, this process will be repeated thousands of times. The end result is that the feeding grounds of manta rays are hung with a thick smoke-like haze of fish spunk, but the manta doesn’t mind. It cruises through the cloud of ejaculate with its mouth agape, putatively looking for eggs but simultaneously sucking in as much sperm as an aspiring “dancer” trying to convince a rapper to let her appear in his video. Disgusting really.
But what can be done to remedy the manta’s unfortunate reputation? Not much really, not as long as the manta’s main food source remains fish eggs. Small steps towards respectability can be accomplished, however, if the manta ray becomes more discerning in the species of fish egg it seeks. Eating the eggs, and thus milt, of low-status “bait” fish such as sardines, herring, sprat, and anchovies is roughly equivalent to giving blow jobs to the entire A.V. club while the chess team watches and jerks off. Feasting on the eggs of top of the food chain game fish - swordfish and marlin for instance - is more akin to felating the starting quarterback. In his Camaro! And by not allowing him full vaginal intercourse, the manta can also maintain its technical status as a virgin and continue to attend the father-daughter purity dances at church. It’s not much, but it would classify the manta ray as a higher caliber of slut, and really, in the cliquish high-school-like social circles of the deep, what more could an ancient cartilaginous fish ask for?
posted by Breaking News Team @ 9:37 PM
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