PaperSoup's Pick Up Lines

PaperSoup's Solid Gold Pick Up Lines: one panty ripping pick up line for every color in the girl-rainbow.


To the nature girl: What are you doing out in the daylight? I thought foxes were nocturnal.

To the girly-girl: I see someone used their leave-in conditioner today. Rowr!

To the low self esteem girl: If I were a date rapist, you'd be roofie-worth.

To the big girl: I will take you to new and exciting places, where you will eat chocolates the purity of which you will scarcely believe.

To daddy's girl: I want to f-ck you my little button nosed sexpot.

To the emphysema girl: You're like a cigarette; slim, white, and highly addictive

To the suicide girl: Hey, I've got a swell idea! Let's cut ourselves!!

To the bartender girl: Don't worry about me. Unlike some of your other inebriated clients, I can't pee into a bottle. Not because I don't want to, just because I can't fit.

To the Jewish girl: Hey, is that a genuine Louis Vuitton handbag you're holding? I sell those!!

To the horse girl: Darn! This old gimpy knee is acting up again….old polo injury. It was my fault really; magnificent creature….he just couldn't be tamed…..

To the WASPy girl: I'd like to lay you down by the fireplace and make love to you in a cold and distant manner.

To every girl: (In the style of the Saturday Night Live cheerleaders)
I said someone packed that junk in the trunk - real tight, real tight!
I said someone packed that junk in the trunk - real tight, real tight!
Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh uh huh uh huh!
(Editor's note: Bob like a chicken right near the ass while doing this. Otherwise it won't work.)

Rep. Jefferson Unveils "Grocery List" Defense

Embattled Louisiana representative William Jefferson (D) unveiled a daring defense strategy to refute the allegations of bribery recently leveled against him by the Justice Department. Jefferson is accused of accepting cash from various business associates in return for using his position and influence to help them secure contracts with the US Army and African governments, among others. Jefferson allegedly accepted $100,000 from an FBI informant, and a subsequent raid on his office found $90,000 stuffed in his freezer. His defense? Well, take a look at his grocery list.

peas
carrots
tater tots
orange juice
$90,000
Brita filter
crescent rolls

"As you can plainly see from my shopping list, the money found in my freezer was not, as the FBI will tell you, some sort of bribe to get me to perform official favors for my associates," said Rep. Jefferson at a press conference today at his office. "Rather it was purely and simply a little fresh cash that I picked up at Safeway the other day. Nothing more, nothing less."

Asked why he would ever pick up such a large amount of money at a supermarket, the congressman responded that it was"…on special."

"Don't you get the circulars?" asked Jefferson to the crowd of reporters. "It was right there next to the two-for-one coupon for Cheetos. Grade A Treasury notes, $90,000 for the price of $85,000. I'd be a fool not to take advantage!"

Jefferson went on to decry what he declared the "police state" tactics of the Justice Department.

"What kind of world is this where a congressman can't go out and pick up $90,000 bundled in $10,000 increments of non-concentric bills and stash it in his freezer without getting accused of illegally facilitating telecom deals in Nigeria on behalf of his business partners?" fumed Jefferson.

A sick world, Mr. Jefferson. A sick, sick world.

Political Joke of the Day

Comedian: President Bush's approval ratings are so low...
Audience: How low are they?
Comedian: Twenty nine percent.
Audience: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Comedian: (Mimics a golf swing)

Happy New Year!

I just wanted to wish all of our readers a happy new year!

President Drowns Bag of Kittens; Congress Angry it Wasn't Consulted

Angry words rang out on the floors of both houses of Congress as senators and congressmen alternated between accusing the Bush administration of abusing executive power and defending its practices as necessary to protect the country from terrorism.

The controversy erupted after the President, in response to a story printed in the New York Times, admitted to authorizing the bagging and drowning of the kittens of known terrorists. In his surprisingly candid admission, the President stated that the actions were necessary in the global war on terror and that the authorization for the use of force granted to him by congress after 9/11 gave him the power to drown kittens anyway.

This argument did little to sway his most vehement Democratic detractors.

"It's nonsense," stated Senator Barbara Boxer (D, California). "When we authorized him to use force it was specifically for military actions in Afghanistan. I can't imagine how anyone could construe that resolution as justification for tying kittens in a burlap sack and throwing them into the raging waters of the Potomac without first getting congress's permission."

When asked about his critics during an appearance on Fox News, President Bush responded forcefully.

"These kittens were literally giving comfort to the enemy," said the President. "They would sit on the terrorists' laps and purr contentedly. Study's show that this lowers the terrorists' blood pressure and his feelings of anxiety while simultaneously increasing his feelings of well being. And I tell you what, as long as I'm commander-in-chief, I'm going to make sure that those wishing to harm America are anxious, wary, and god willing, a little constipated!

"A happy terrorist is a deadly terrorist," added the President sternly.

Unfortunately for the administration, the President is not enjoying the unified obedience he could once coax from congressional Republicans.

"Sure we all agree that in extraordinary times, the President is granted extraordinary powers, said Senator Norm Coleman (R, Minnesota). "September the 11th was undoubtedly one of those times, but to still be drowning bags of kittens over four years after that horrible day without ever consulting congress? Why wouldn't he have come to us? Of course we would have said yes, but the whole process would have had the transparency necessary in a functioning democracy, and we could have put some prudent limits on the President's power, such as my suggestion that only kittens that actually rub up against terrorists' legs be eligible for drowning. And tabbies, I don't like tabbies."

Meanwhile, the rancor on the cable news shout-fests was ratcheted even higher by the controversy.

On the O'Reilly Factor, conservative firebrand Anne Coulter called the democrats "the party of crazy cat ladies who hate America" while this reporter shouted "Anne Coulter is a neo-nazi prostitute!" from his living room. The argument was ruled a draw.