Death Masked Gorgon Turns Out to be John Kerry

Residents of Lawrenceville, a small farming hamlet in the heart of
rural Ohio, were relieved to discover late last night that the death
masked gorgon that was haunting the town's abandoned amusement park
these past two weeks was none other than Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry. Apparently, Kerry was wrapping up a week long
campaign tour through the critical swing state when his bus broke down
outside Lawrenceville, and he was forced to find shelter at the
amusement park.

"Thank God it only turned out to be Kerry," said 76 year old
Lawrenceville grandmother Marion Dake. "That young fella wouldn't
hurt a fly" but he sure does have a sunken ghost face, though. You can
see why we were confused."

The first reports of a soulless-eyed monster roving the grounds of the
former Happy Land amusement park appeared two weeks ago. The spot has
a reputation as being the lover's lane for local high school students,
and several teenage couples reported seeing someone lurking on the
grounds who had the face of man whose soul was being devoured by
tortured demons.

"It was hard to explain what I saw," said witness Ashley Yates. "I
was in my boyfriend's car, and I just remember a man shuffle by in the
shadows. I looked at him a little more closely as he passed by, and I
saw, I saw...I saw a face that looked as if it had seen more sadness
in it's life than any one person should have to bear. I haven't seen
a face like that since I told my nephew that Santa Clause wasn't real
and his mom was run-over by a tow truck on the same day."

"Go Spartan's!" shouted Yates's boyfriend Eric Crayner. "Kick some
Cougar ass this Friday!"

"Whooooo!" added Yates.

Apparently Kerry tried for some time to summon help to his stricken
motorcade, but unfortunately the nearest residence was a senior
citizen's home. Upon seeing Kerry approach, the elderly resident's
bolted the door, thinking that surely the haunted-visaged automaton
was the grim reaper coming to take them to their eternal rest.

"That boy sure did give me a fright," said resident Alice Rivlin. "I
thought I was breathing my last breaths when he showed his dour
horse-face at the front door."

With fear paralyzing the town, the sheriff enacted a curfew and sent
his deputies out on all-night patrols. The police dragnet is what
eventually uncovered the truth behind the haunting, but not without a
heavy cost. One of Lawrenceville's own, deputy James Woodruff, died
during the search.

"James was always a bit of a heavy guy," said Sheriff Eric Monroe.
"We worried about his health, but we never really thought anything
would happen. Well, we went out late last Tuesday to sweep the
amusement park, and Eric got separated from the group. When we found
him later…he was dead. Apparently, he had stumbled onto Kerry, and
when he shined his flashlight onto that man's face, the chilling
façade of tortured humanity that met his eyes stopped his heart cold."

"We'll miss you Jimmy," said Monroe as he looked tearfully towards the sky.

Despite the loss of Woodruff, the search pressed purposefully on.
Last night, after two tortuous weeks, it came to its conclusion. The
discovery is credited to deputy Joe Lockhart, one of Woodruff's
closest friends.

"I saw someone hiding behind the Tilt a' Whirl, so I went to check it
out, " said Lockhart. "What I first saw made we want to run screaming
to church so I could douse my eyes with holy water, but I new I had to
stay to uncover the truth, for Jimmy. I ordered the suspect to raise
his hands and slowly walk towards me. When he stepped out of the
shadows, I could see it was Democratic presidential nominee John
Kerry."

"Christ, he looks like the love child of Mr. Ed and Casper," said
Sheriff Monroe, "but hell! he's got my vote! It's either him or Bush."

Since Kerry committed no crime, he expects to be back on the campaign
trail this afternoon, making his way west towards Iowa. Officials in
the state are already preparing their citizens for his arrival by
passing out surplus US Army nuclear blast blinders and smelling salts.