"Masturbate for the Cure" Raises Millions for Cancer Research

It appears that a new charitable organization is poised to blow a huge
sticky load of prevention all over the face of breast cancer.
Masturbate for the Cure, a group that was founded only weeks ago, has
already surpassed the cumulative fundraising totals of all the Race
for the Cure© non-competitive runs and walks. As a means of
comparison, Race for the Cure© was founded in 1982 and sponsors annual
events in all 50 states. Masturbate for the cure is run from a Yahoo!
Groups® website and was founded the 11th.

Asked how he first thought of coupling masturbation with raising money
for cancer research, Masturbate for the Cure co-founder and part time
record store employee Stan Walters replied simply, "I figured I was
doin' it for free anyway."

"Yeah man, before we were putting in so much time and effort towards
masturbating without seeing any monetary results," said Walter's
roommate and fellow Maturbate co-founder Josh David. "One day, after
taking a couple of tasty bingers, Stan Man was like, 'Hey, let's see
if we can get people to sponsor us for masturbating by saying the
money is going to cure breast cancer.'"

But the money is going to cure breast cancer, isn't it? inquired this reporter.

"Oh yeah, almost all of it," confirmed David. "We're just skimming a
little off the top to buy that QP we've been wanting….and that house."

"Honestly, the whole thing was a big joke at first, but then the money
started pouring in, and we figured, why not save breasts? They're
pretty much what makes masturbating possible in the first place." said
Walters.

"MASTURBATE!" added David.

According to State University evolutionary biology professor, Dr.
Herman Klempf, the union of masturbation and mammaries is only
natural.

"Breast's exist so that men may have something to fantasize about
whilst they are masturbating and something to look at whilst women are
talking," said the professor, "and apparently they also help to feed
young babies or something. Therefore, one can easily concur that
breast cancer is an equal or greater threat to men than it is to
women. Without breasts, we could not masturbate. Without breasts, we
would have to listen to our women. I am not a mathematician, but
surely lack of masturbation + nattering = death."

Part of the genius behind Masturbate for the Cure® is that it allows
supporters to sponsor a participant by the stroke or by the orgasm.
In this way, quick beaters do not have an upper palm on those who like
to take their time.

However, according to Justin Kramer, the charity's highest grossing
participant, it doesn't really matter how one is sponsored, but the
amount of time one puts into the endeavor.

"There are only really two times that I like to masturbate; day and
night," said Kramer. "It doesn't matter if I'm sponsored by the whack
or the cum. If I continue to masturbate for 7 1/2 hours a day, I'm
pretty sure no one will be able to touch my fundraising totals."

Despite the massive success of the program, there are those that
believe some improvements could be made. Specifically, there are many
- this reporter included - that find a long, smooth pair of legs as
sexy as a bulging bust.

"Oh, you're a leg man?" said Walters. "Well, we'll give some of the
money to leg cancer research too, then. Oh, and ass cancer research.
That way the black guys will be happy."

Thanks to this unique and enterprising new charity, breast cancer may
soon be stroked out of existence. So men - whether you're doing it
for a pair you really love, a pair you hope to one day have the
pleasure of caressing, or the pair on that hot piece-of-ass
receptionist you just want to rawdog - get out there and save those
titties!