Opinions

by Kerry Ling

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I appreciate dams.

I can tell you, all the parents in my neighborhood were appalled when
little Timmy was caught with that porno tape. It did not contain
"hard core anal action" as promised on the box. Blatant false
advertising! Blatant!!

There's no better way to start your day than a hot cup of coffee
thrown in your assistant's incompetent face.

Warden! Warden! Shenanigans are afoot!

You shouldn't wear turtlenecks. Turtlenecks accentuate your chicken neck.

Now get down on all fours, whore, before I burn you with my cigarette.
Pfffft, women!

Why does the dirt under your fingernails always smell like shit?

On of th kys on my typ writr is brokn. Can you guss which on?

Drat! It's too bad the prison guard took my shoelaces. I was gonna
hang myself with them!

You're dressed like a tremendous dick today.

Are you a fan of the meat dishes, ma'am?

I'm so mad I could write in NOTHING BUT CAPS RIGHT NOW!

I wish internal affairs would get off my back so I could do my damn job!

As a Pirate-American, I find the Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo offensive.

You can trust me baby. I only lie about the important things.

I have a feeling you're going to love my penis.

So baby, your yurt or mine?

As he applied the cool chapstick to his already supple lips, and
stared at me with smoldering passion, I realized something; I was
about to get the blow job of a lifetime

Ahhh, a vestibule...Perfect for love making!

Have you ever eaten Skittles while shooting heroin? It's called
tasting the rainbow.

The dress code said shirt and tie, but it didn't say anything about
leather hot pants with a cellophane buttocks.

Just like in the 'Nam man...just like in the fucking 'Nam

This medal is for bravery in action, this one's for completing pilot
training, and this medal has two metal alligator clips attached to it,
the other ends being attached to my penis, and the difference in
electrical potential between the brass medal and the zinc clips
creates a small current that is just powerful enough to keep me at
half chubber all day long.

Won't someone think of the children? Don't they deserve a little
better than your sloppy seconds?

Frogger was not a videogame, it was a way of life. Don't get hit by
cars…man…what a powerful message.

This one time, I was eating a sandwich out of a little Ziploc baggie
when someone banged unexpectedly on my door. Out of instinct, I ran
to the bathroom and flushed the sandwich down the toilet. Man! What
a waste of a perfectly good sandwich!

A waste is a terrible thing to mind. Support the Ignore Excessive
Spending campaign.

I want to create an online personality test that will tell everyone
they're a douchebag regardless of the way they answer the questions.

Ma'am, might I just say that you have two beautiful daughters, and if
things go well tonight, I hope to bang both of 'em.

Imagine what I could do if I weren't a lazy piece of shit.

If my wife peed whiskey, I'd be drunk all the time.

Whats up with scotch tape? It's not plaid and it tastes awful with soda.

Like the charging rhino, I stampede through your willowy strands of
pubic hair as if they were the grass of the Serengeti, your clitoris
looming over the plain like Mount Kiliminjaro. Will I taste sweet
abundance tonight, or will this year be a dry year, with only the
vultures well fed?

I love pooping. It's like I'm halfway to a blumpkin.

Honey, look up chlamydia in the encyclopedia. I want to know what I'm
scratching.

Reagan's Star Wars program always fascinated me: A space borne
electronic net that ensnares incoming missiles and prevents them from
hitting their target? Why, it's quite like that fat cock-blocking
broad who wouldn't let me mack on her hot friend at the bar last
night. Fascinating...