Vin Diesel to Star in Hugely Expensive Pile of Shit

Studio sources today confirmed the rumors that action star Vin Diesel
will star in a hugely expensive pile of shit, due out in theaters
sometime next summer. Like most of Diesel's work, this pile of shit
is likely to offer nothing more than a crappy script punctuated with a
few zippy one liners and hundreds of explosions, yet many are already
predicting that it will gross a fucking shit load at the box office.

Leaked reports from the production offices seem to confirm that this
ass pile was specifically tailored for Diesel. Expenses for the
action thriller are reportedly beyond $200 million, most of that going
to special effects and biceps oil. The plot, however, is said to be a
bubbling cauldron of liquid feces containing no words longer than 5
syllables.

Many feel that Diesel is due for a blockbuster after the lackluster
performance of some of his latest piles of manure. His dramatic role
in last fall's loaded diaper of a movie was meant to be the film that
established him as an actor, but his performance was roundly hailed as
an enormous cluster fuck, and the movie went on to make jack shit at
the box office.

Summer openings, however, seem to work well for Diesel.

"His last two pieces of crap that debuted in the lucrative summer
months grossed an ass-load and a shit-load respectively," said David
Birnbaum of the trade paper Variety, "but with the expectations
surrounding this film, many Hollywood insiders are predicting Diesel
will finally crack the fuck-load mark. This will put him into an
exclusive club, and almost all producers will forget that his last few
movies didn't make fucknuts and that he can't act his way out of a
paper bag."

Rumors in Hollywood abound that this new ass factory will reunite
Diesel with his former co-stars, big tittied bitch who looks good in a
bikini, and Samuel L. Jackson.
The inclusion of Jackson in the presumed cast has many insiders
confused as to why a respected actor would associate himself with such
a huge pool of corn-studded diarrhea.

"Despite his renowned acting chops and appearances in many critically
acclaimed movies, Samuel Jackson seems more than willing to green
light any shit stain of a script that happens to fall in his lap,"
said Birnbaum. "Does anyone remember Formula 51? What a God-awful
Ziploc bag full of baby-shit and spider eggs that was!"

Despite the positively Jersey-like stench surrounding the whole
project, the pile of shit will almost certainly be one of the top
grossing summer manure lagoons of 2005. While it may not garner
Diesel any critical respect, it will prove that he has enough appeal
to turn a movie with less quality than a fart in a sack into a
moneymaker.