Bush Wins Re-Election: Suspension of Constitutional Rights Averted
With a narrow 51% majority of the country voting for him, President Bush ensured his re-election Tuesday, and thus prevented the suspension of Constitutional rights that would have occurred had he lost.
"Y'all dodged a big bullet there, yesterday," declared the president from the White House Rose Garden. "If you hadn't voted correctly, my operatives would be beating yo' heads with nightsticks, and I'd be wiping my ass with the Bill of Rights by now. See, I was gonna be president one way or t' other. Y'all just made it easier on yo' self."
The first lady sat on the podium behind the president, too busy knitting socks for deserving orphans to really pay attention to what her husband was saying.
"It's a good thing I didn't have to sic Dick Cheney on you," chuckled the president. "You all thought he was getting treated for a bad heart all those times. Them visits was just for the rabies shots. Caught a nasty case of it. Must a' bit the head of one too many squirrels. Does it for the hell of it, that's how crazy he is."
"Oooooh!" squealed Laura in the background as she held up her just-completed sock to the sunlight, a move which prompted the president to roll over on his back and bat at it for about a minute.
After the brief disturbance, the president explained the frightening scenario that would have unfolded had he been defeated. It seems that a massive phalanx of Bradley fighting vehicles and a volunteer regiment of heavily armed Texas pickups would have rolled through the Democratic leaning northeast, declaring marshal law and enacting a strict curfew on all residents. With voters sequestered in their homes, evangelical groups would then ransack polling places, setting ballots on fire and downloading massive amounts of gay porn onto electronic voting machines, causing their hard drives to crash and allowing the destruction to be easily blamed on "sodomites."
"I think it's clear that that plan had my fingerprints all over it," said Cheney during questions after the president's speech. "It's almost a shame I didn't get to use it. Oh well! There's always the next election."
"Arnold's promised to pull out his old Conan sword and furry loin cloth for that one!" exclaimed the president. "That and Police Academy are my two favorite movies."
The question and answer session was cut short when Jenna Bush drunkenly stumbled out of the White House and vomited Beast Ice all over a rose bush.
"That's my little girl….just like daddy.." whispered the president as he lovingly held his daughter's hair back.
5 Comments:
Your a moron.
Thank you for helping to balance out the intelligence scale, the moron side was a little light.
Let's take a moment to reflect on what you said:
>Your a moron.
>Thank you for helping to balance out the intelligence >scale, the moron side was a little light.
First of all, "Your a moron", literally means:
"My a moron", as in ownership of "a moron". Well sir, I can guarantee that I do not own a moron, nor do I plan on buying one.
But wait, wouldn't this simple mistake in grammar make YOU look like more of a moron than I?
So I suppose sir:
You're the moron.
(This time the you're is a contraction between you and are, there are many of these in the english language)
Good day to you sir.
I don't know nothin' about nothin', but word on the street is, Greg Monaco likes to give hand jobs to monkeys
People who have to resort to attacking a typographical error to defend their argument are quite comical.
When all else fails it's time to either yell real loud to make it sound like what your saying is correct or point out a mispelled word or grammar error.
Also, If you have children than I am sure you do own a moron.
Alas, It's the liberal way to argue. When facts don't support your opinion then yell until the other party just doesn't want to bother anymore.
Enjoy your pitiful life.
First of all, we're not liberal, we just hate Bush, as he is as smart as a bag of dog crap.
Second, you are retarded, you don't own children, because you can't sell children. Well, maybe where you come from that's socially acceptable, but not where I come from.
The way you make your points makes me think you aren't out of high school, and if you are, I feel very sorry for you. It must be hard going through life knowing that the only jobs you'll ever have will be minimum wage.
If you still are in high school though, work hard, and maybe one day you'll be able to go to junior college, or get a job at a heating/ac school. Wouldn't your mother be proud!
Having said all that, I hope you do overcome the challenges of being mentally handicapped, and you do have as close to a normal life as possible.
Good day to you sir.
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