Striking Migrants Causing Problems for Orange Juice Giant

Orange Juice, the official squeezed citrus beverage of the Washington Redskins, has been in a tizzy of late. Florida Natural Inc, the good folks who "bring the grove to you" every time you pick up a carton of their Florida's Natural Brand Premium OJ, have seen their profits slip and their good name tarnished due to a continuing labor standoff with the migrant workers who pick the majority of their fruit.

In 1999, Florida Natural rode the backs of cheap Mexican labor and a bizarre promise to consumers to become the largest player in the unofficial cartel known as Big OJ.
The promise: to actually install experimental teleportation devices behind every grocer's freezer so as to allow consumers, when it appears there is no more orange juice left, to snake their hands further back on the shelf reaching for what may be a last hidden carton only to have their hand pop out in a real Florida orange grove and be handed a fresh carton of juice by a man dressed as a farmer. Reenactments of this process feature heavily in Florida Natural's advertising campaigns and have tended to reinforce the public perception of the company as being very customer friendly.

However, a strike by Mexican migrants may well derail Florida Natural's upward climb. Nearly all of the company's pickers are low paid Mexican immigrants. So too are nearly all the "farmers" at the teleportation grove who hand the cartons to the disembodied hands that pop in from all over the country, this fact coming as shock to many who assumed that the farmers resembled the handsomely chiseled, plaid swaddled, well fed and universally white actors who play them on the commercials.

A plunge in profits was only the first headache the strike caused for the company. Disgruntled strikers soon began posing as scabs in order to sabotage the company's operations from the inside. Recent events seem to point to the teleportation grove as the hub of this new labor insurgency, the evidence of this being all the non-orange juice items people are increasingly clutching when they withdraw their hands from the teleporter. Such items include a minor smattering of rubber bands, clumps of hair and the like, but mostly John Basedow fitness/horror videos. Naturally, EMS technicians all over the country have been busy scraping faint and convulsing shoppers off of grocery store floors ever since.

Sabotage is not necessarily a new weapon in the sporadic wars between labor and management. In the early 90s, it was rumored that striking Corona workers were sneaking back into the factory and peeing into the beer. However, in that case the company's bottom line was not hurt as consumers did not seem to notice the difference. The current sabotage does seem to be harming Florida Natural as its stock price dips after every new report of the over-pumped gym travesty Basedow’s video materializing in some soccer mom's hand.

Many experts believe that the strike's dramatic effect on the company's bottom line will force management to sit down with the migrants rather than try to wait them out. This seems like a prudent idea as sources within the insurgency have recently claimed that they will soon exercise begin passing out the “nuclear option”: Basedow bobbleheads.