Contagious Latin Beat Rages Through City

The first signs of infection are innocuous, generally a subdued bobbing of the head or tapping of the foot, but soon the body's natural defenses - and inhibitions - give way. The result: wild, sexually charged gyrations and flailing arms and legs that threaten to become spastic if not barely kept in check by the pulsating beat. Thus was the scene across the normally buttoned-down DC metropolitan area as it fell victim to an outbreak of one of the most contagious Latin beats to ever occur north of the equator.

The outbreak was believed to have started in Dupont Circle, where the residents are known to be a little more, ahem, flamboyant than is normal for a government town. At noon, the metropolitan police received a report that a group of men were uncontrollably dancing at the Fireplace Lounge, but when they arrived on the scene, writhing bodies had filled up the entire bar and were spilling out onto P Street, accompanied by the omnipresent sound of congas, cabacas, rotatoms, maracas, piano and an upright base. From there the epidemic was on. All of Northwest was soon dancing and it wasn’t long before Northeast and Southwest were also overcome. The staid politicians on Capital Hill put up a good fight, but even the most determined among them could not hold out for long. Democratic senators and representatives tried their best to tune out the music by concentrating on the oral sex they were collectively receiving from young starry-eyed staffers, but after fifteen minutes the battle was lost as the last hold out, New Mexico Senator Jeff Bingaman, emerged from the Hart Building - blinking in the bright sunshine and zipping up his pants as the beat took hold of his body.

The Republicans proved a heartier foe, but even they would eventually succumb when it became obvious that their frantic calls to Jesus for personal restraint would not be answered. The celebration on the Hill reached a fever pitch when conservative Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum burst onto the National Mall and started enthusiastically grinding on a passing sailor.

"This is better than the rapture!" shouted Senator Santorum.

By 2:30, the residents east of the Anacostia River had put down their gats and slipped on their dancing shoes, thus ending the last semblance of normalcy in the entire city.

According to Dr. Bruce Owen of the Centers for Disease Control, headquartered in suburban Maryland, the ingredients for such an outbreak had been falling into place for some time.

“A low pressure front of humid tropical air that had been hanging off the Atlantic Coast slowly moved inland, mixing with the city’s growing number of South American immigrants,” said Dr. Owen.

“As a result, Washington became a powder keg of pent up Latin passion and sticky, sultry air. All that was needed was a spark, and those happy fops in Dupont Circle seemed to have provided it,” explained the doctor.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a limbo contest to officiate!” said Doctor Owen as he whipped off his lab coat, revealing the tiniest pineapple-print speedo this reporter has ever seen.

No one knows with certainty how far the beat has spread due to the disruption in all lines of communication coming in to or out of Washington. A brief scare erupted in Columbia Maryland, some 45 minutes north of the city along interstate 95. Residents reported seeing some classic early signs of infection such as the rending of fine linen shirts, profuse brow sweat, suspenders being slipped off the shoulders but remaining attached to the pants, womens' shirts spontaneously losing the top two buttons, and in few cases, skirts being caught on barbed wire fencing to reveal sequined hot pants being worn below. Calm was restored when it was learned that Enrique Iglesias was scheduled to perform at Merriweather Post Pavillion in the evening, and the strange occurrences were most likely attributable to him and his tour. Unfortunately, this news did not reach the populace before panicked shoppers cleared supermarkets of limes, mangos and blenders in expectation of the coming shortage. Mob scenes were reported at liquor stores where fights broke out to reach remaining stocks of Jose Cuervo and Captian Morgan's.

Experts are already considering the DC suburbs in Virginia and Maryland to be lost causes. The prevailing notion at the CDC seems to be that Baltimore is the best hope for stopping the spread of the beat thanks to the lucky concurrence of two events - the season premiere of the Wire and the White Snake show at Hammerjacks - which will likely leave the city streets nearly deserted, thus depriving the beat of new victims.

For the mean time, those in the affected areas are advised to "shake what ya mamma gave you" and/or "take it the bridge", as order may not be restored for quite some time.