President Drowns Bag of Kittens; Congress Angry it Wasn't Consulted

Angry words rang out on the floors of both houses of Congress as senators and congressmen alternated between accusing the Bush administration of abusing executive power and defending its practices as necessary to protect the country from terrorism.

The controversy erupted after the President, in response to a story printed in the New York Times, admitted to authorizing the bagging and drowning of the kittens of known terrorists. In his surprisingly candid admission, the President stated that the actions were necessary in the global war on terror and that the authorization for the use of force granted to him by congress after 9/11 gave him the power to drown kittens anyway.

This argument did little to sway his most vehement Democratic detractors.

"It's nonsense," stated Senator Barbara Boxer (D, California). "When we authorized him to use force it was specifically for military actions in Afghanistan. I can't imagine how anyone could construe that resolution as justification for tying kittens in a burlap sack and throwing them into the raging waters of the Potomac without first getting congress's permission."

When asked about his critics during an appearance on Fox News, President Bush responded forcefully.

"These kittens were literally giving comfort to the enemy," said the President. "They would sit on the terrorists' laps and purr contentedly. Study's show that this lowers the terrorists' blood pressure and his feelings of anxiety while simultaneously increasing his feelings of well being. And I tell you what, as long as I'm commander-in-chief, I'm going to make sure that those wishing to harm America are anxious, wary, and god willing, a little constipated!

"A happy terrorist is a deadly terrorist," added the President sternly.

Unfortunately for the administration, the President is not enjoying the unified obedience he could once coax from congressional Republicans.

"Sure we all agree that in extraordinary times, the President is granted extraordinary powers, said Senator Norm Coleman (R, Minnesota). "September the 11th was undoubtedly one of those times, but to still be drowning bags of kittens over four years after that horrible day without ever consulting congress? Why wouldn't he have come to us? Of course we would have said yes, but the whole process would have had the transparency necessary in a functioning democracy, and we could have put some prudent limits on the President's power, such as my suggestion that only kittens that actually rub up against terrorists' legs be eligible for drowning. And tabbies, I don't like tabbies."

Meanwhile, the rancor on the cable news shout-fests was ratcheted even higher by the controversy.

On the O'Reilly Factor, conservative firebrand Anne Coulter called the democrats "the party of crazy cat ladies who hate America" while this reporter shouted "Anne Coulter is a neo-nazi prostitute!" from his living room. The argument was ruled a draw.