Rep. Jefferson Unveils "Grocery List" Defense

Embattled Louisiana representative William Jefferson (D) unveiled a daring defense strategy to refute the allegations of bribery recently leveled against him by the Justice Department. Jefferson is accused of accepting cash from various business associates in return for using his position and influence to help them secure contracts with the US Army and African governments, among others. Jefferson allegedly accepted $100,000 from an FBI informant, and a subsequent raid on his office found $90,000 stuffed in his freezer. His defense? Well, take a look at his grocery list.

peas
carrots
tater tots
orange juice
$90,000
Brita filter
crescent rolls

"As you can plainly see from my shopping list, the money found in my freezer was not, as the FBI will tell you, some sort of bribe to get me to perform official favors for my associates," said Rep. Jefferson at a press conference today at his office. "Rather it was purely and simply a little fresh cash that I picked up at Safeway the other day. Nothing more, nothing less."

Asked why he would ever pick up such a large amount of money at a supermarket, the congressman responded that it was"…on special."

"Don't you get the circulars?" asked Jefferson to the crowd of reporters. "It was right there next to the two-for-one coupon for Cheetos. Grade A Treasury notes, $90,000 for the price of $85,000. I'd be a fool not to take advantage!"

Jefferson went on to decry what he declared the "police state" tactics of the Justice Department.

"What kind of world is this where a congressman can't go out and pick up $90,000 bundled in $10,000 increments of non-concentric bills and stash it in his freezer without getting accused of illegally facilitating telecom deals in Nigeria on behalf of his business partners?" fumed Jefferson.

A sick world, Mr. Jefferson. A sick, sick world.